What is anxiety-based school refusal?

If your child or teen is expressing fear around going to school, being in the classroom or being away from home, this is very different from just not being in the mood. Children may not be consolable and bargaining does not work.

What are the physical symptoms of school refusal?

Physical symptoms include stomachaches, headaches, and tears/crying.

Why does school refusal happen?

It can be caused by separation anxiety, social anxiety (fear of embarrassment or rejection), or academic pressure from self, parents, coaches, or teachers.

When should I seek help?

Seek help if your child has missed a significant amount of school/received a truancy letter, if symptoms escalate (isolating, increased sleeping), or if it impacts academic performance.

When Your Child Refuses to Go to School: What’s Really Going on and How to Help

betterstateofmind2

Apr 15

3 min read

Parents are reaching out more than ever with the same concern: “My child suddenly refuses to go to school, and I don’t know what to do.” Mornings may feel like a battle—tears, complaints of stomachaches, or outright refusal. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. School-related anxiety has become increasingly common, especially in high-pressure academic environments. The good news is that there are ways to understand what’s happening and support your child without making things worse.

What School Refusal Actually Is

Anxiety-based vs “just not wanting to go”

At one point or another, most children and teens will express a lack of desire to go to school. They may have gotten a shorter night of sleep or want to stay home to play outside on a nice day. While these situations are frustrating, they are not abnormal. With general prompting and encouragement, children and teens who are "not in the mood" to go to school will remain consistent with their school attendance.

Anxiety-based school refusal

If your child or teen is expressing fear around going to school, being in the classroom or being away from home, this is very different. Children and teens experiencing school refusal that is anxiety based may not be consolable and no amount of bargaining seems to work.

Physical symptoms

stomachaches
headaches
tears/crying

Why It Happens

Separation anxiety - Children and teens experiencing separation anxiety struggle when they are away from a primary caregiver. Often, they feel worried that something bad may happen to their caregiver.

Social anxiety - It is normal for all children and teens to experience some level of anxiousness around school and their peers. The first day of school, an important test or participation in a school performance are all examples of when this anxiety typically arises. Social anxiety creates more challenges; there is a stronger fear of embarassment around others and heightened anxiety that they will be rejected by others.

Academic pressure - Being mindful of the difference between healthy encouragement and pressure for children and teens to meet expectations is very important. Some children and teens place this pressure on themselves. Other times, parents, coaches and teaches may be placing high expecations on a child without fully understanding the impact.

What NOT to Do

Forcing without support

Setting strict rules or physically forcing a child to get ready or out the door are not effective strategies. Rules and guidance are essential but need to be paired with verbal and emotional support for long-term success.

Letting them stay home long-term

A few missed days from school will probably not impact your child academically, but allowing the absences to add up quickly will only negatively reinforce this behavior to continue.

Over-reassurance

There is a difference between validating your child's emotions and over-reassurance. When the only thing helping your child through their school avoidance is what you tell them, they are not learning how to manage their anxiety independently.

What Helps

Validate feelings & Setting Boundaries

When we validate our children's emotions, we aren't trying to problem solve with them in the moment. Comments like "Things will get better," "But you used to love school," are more dismissing than validating. "It sounds like you're really stressed about this class," and "It's hard feeling left out." are statements that help your child feel heard. This statements, along with structured boundaries (bed time routine, for example) create an environment for success.

Gradual exposure

When absences have accrued, we can't expect that one morning they will resume thier usual full day routine. Gradual exposure may look like talking about school refusal frequently, practicing the morning school routine or going to school half a day.

Collaborate with school

A strong connection with your child's school can make a world of difference. Is there a guidance counselor who can check in with your child when they get to school? Has there been an investigation if your child has made any reports of bullying? If you are dropping your child off, is there another trusted adult that can weclome your child to assist with transitioning?

When to Seek Help

Duration - If your child has missed a significant amount of school and/or you have received a truency letter.

Escalation - Your child has started to exhibit additional symptoms, such as isolating at home, increase in sleeping and new behavioral changes.

Impact on functioning - Significant loss of time in school will begin to affect your child's academic performance and they are at risk of having to repeat the school year.